The Last Day of the Wicked

It’s recently come to my attention that life is short and precious or some shit like that. Apparently we’re supposed to be living each day to the fullest and so on and so forth. I love people who go around telling you to live each day to the fullest. As if I woke up and decided I was going to live today half assed. Sometimes living to the fullest means sitting in my chair with a hand on my nuts and a cold beer in my hand, ok asshole? Fuck off. What people really mean when they say live life to the fullest is “Live your live to my standards of fullness.” These are the same people who will walk around and tell others that they are missing out on the “college experience” like there is some universal experience we should all be sharing in rather than going our own ways. If you’re even the least bit anti-social you must be missing out on this mystical journey through college. Let me clear something up for you, people are scum. The whole of humanity is a cluster fuck of degenerates and scumbags. I have actually found great success with the following philosophy: All human beings should be assumed to be scum until they prove otherwise. It’s much easier when you group everyone together and then pull out the few decent human beings you meet from the teaming human mass of refuse. Chances are the people who tell you that you are wasting your life were probably conceived when they were spooned off the bed sheet.

Another tenet of the “live life to the fullest” philosophy is the last day plan. As if we get to plan our last day on earth we’re all expected to lay out exactly what we would do if we had a single day left on this cum dumpster we call Earth. Most people say they would spend the time with their friends, family, cats, or whatever. Not me. My last day on Earth would go down in the history books as the single greatest day ever lived by any human being. Let’s take a look.

12AM: I wake up. I don’t shower, shave, change my clothes, or apply deodorant. I urinate in every possible room of the house. I then drop a deucer in the George Foreman grill turn it on and leave the house.

1AM: I take my car out and see how fast I can actually get it to go. I don’t leave my car until I have scored at least 200 points where running over: an elderly person= 20 points, a puppy=30 points, pregnant woman=40 points, and any children in a blind/deaf child zone=50 points.

4AM: I break the fire censors in one of the local dorms on floor 10 causing that floor and the nine below it to flood.

4:30 AM: Molest all the hot freshman sluts with wet t-shirts

5-7 AM: Watch the sun rise and put together the pieces of my sniper rifle. Only shoot squirrels and yell something about the Oregon Trail and not being able to carry enough meat.

7 AM: Collect squirrel pelts and sew squirrel skin codpiece.

8 AM: Impress all the ladies with squirrel head covering my dick. Ask ladies if they want to see where the squirrel has buried his nuts.

9 AM: Drive to mall. Trip old people going for their morning walks. Beat mall security guards with their own shoes.

10-12 AM: Tell all the girls shopping for dresses they are way too fat to fit into anything. Poke them in embarrassing places.

12 PM: Force McDonalds to serve me from the breakfast menu under threat of hamburglary. Punch manager in face for making fat chicks.

1PM: Say prayers to Allah, God, Jesus, Budha, and Ganesh.

1:05 PM: Realize I just wasted five minutes of my last day on Earth. Punch self in groin.

2 PM: Recover from inadvisable groin punching. Turn on Braveheart DVD with bottle of bourbon in hand and girlfriends head in crotch. Ejaculate.

3 PM: Vomit.

3:30 PM: Rally and drink more

4 PM: Call family shitfaced. Tell parents they were adopted and yell at siblings for being overprotective.

5 PM: Fire girlfriend. Hire prostitute.

6 PM: Realize Braveheart is still fucking on. Masturbate to princess whatever the fucks her name.

7 PM: Say goodbye to all three of my friends. Leave skin sample to roommate for future cloning.

8 PM: Eat biggest steak ever/ black chick’s asshole. Either one will do.

9 PM: Dispose of leftover steak/black chick.

10 PM: Prostitute arrives at the house. She licks my balls.

11 PM: Still licking my balls

11:30 PM: Still licking my balls

11:50 PM: I stick it in her ass

11:59:40 PM: Ejaculate in hooker’s ass

11:59:45 PM: Yell out “I’ve got AIDS!!!!!”

12 AM: I die with my cock lodged in hooker ass.

Now that’s how it’s done bitches. Remember, the next time someone tells you that you are missing out on some important experience rub your ball sweat on their face and share the crabs.