Here in the liberal Northeast most people seem to be incapable of understanding our more conservative brothers and sisters living in the South and Midwest. The debate over what exactly conservatives believe seems to revolve around one important axis: Are conservatives really mentally retarded and out of touch with reality or do they have a hidden agenda which has yet to be fully grasped by liberal think tanks? What could the red states (Jesus land) possibly gain by, for example, destroying our environment? Surely fetal alcohol syndrome can’t be blamed for ALL of conservative America’s mental deficiencies. When you think about it there really is no rational explanation for conservative environmental policy. One of my favorite arguments is “Let’s drill the shit out of Alaska. The oil we get there will only last a couple of months at the most, but it might lower gas prices by a nickel. Who cares if we have to rape one of the most beautiful places in the United States as long as I save a couple of bucks at the pump?” Don’t even get me started on Kyoto. I understand that Kyoto was a flawed plan, but the alternative plan suggested by conservatives seems to be “Let’s just walk out of Kyoto and tell the rest of the world to go fuck themselves. Instead of working to change Kyoto we should probably just pretend like there’s not a problem and ignore the overwhelming body of scientific evidence that states global warming is going to fuck the Earth in the ass if we don’t cut back our emissions.” I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Or at least it didn’t until I discovered some shocking evidence.

I was recently able to sneak in to the White House and sneak a peak at some of George W. Bush’s confidential policy files. There was a combination lock on the door but it was easy to figure out the code. I knew Bush wouldn’t be intelligent enough to any 5 numbers that were not in sequence. I also knew that Bush would most likely fuck it up after the third number. So I entered the code: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6. The door swung open immediately. Inside Bush’s environmental policy dossier I found the following startling image: Apparently Bush was able to obtain a rare photograph of the beast known as Sasquatch (Yeti or Abominable Snowman if you prefer. However, I do hear that he prefers to be called Harry and people don’t like him because his feet are too big.) The picture was disturbing to say the least. The Sasquatch is X’ed out over and over with 666 across his forehead and “Kill” written near his feet. Questions began to swirl in my head. What was a picture of Sasquatch doing in Bush’s environmental policy files and why would Bush want to kill him?

I knew I was getting closer to an answer As I thumbed through the well worn pages of Bush’s secret files. If I could only figure out how the environment fit into this picture. I had almost given up hope when I noticed a file titled “U can’d hyde him fourevar.” Which, translated from retardanese into English, would be “You can’t hide him forever.” The file contained yet another ominous picture and the final piece of the puzzle: It all became clear once I saw this picture. Bush is using this picture as a warning to other trees. But why?

Bush and his conservative buddies aren’t deforesting the world and raping the environment for no reason. They are searching for Sasquatch. Since Sasquatch has been known to hide in forests Bush is systematically destroying the forests of the world to force Sasquatch into the open where he can be destroyed. (Apparently Bush thinks the trees can talk and is destroying any tree which won’t give him information on the Sasquatch’s whereabouts.) But what is the motive you may ask. The Sasquatch is the missing evolutionary link between man and earlier hominids. If Sasquatch were to be discovered by a rational human being that evil institution called science could prove evolution beyond a shadow of a doubt. This would cast even more doubt on the bible and the Christian faith would crumble leaving Bush and conservative America without their mental crutch. Bush is destroying our forests so he can cling to creationism. Either that, or he doesn’t give a crap about the environment. But I like to think my theory is the truth.

Yours truly,

The Wicked