Our women are being eaten by sharks; keep them in the kitchen

Recently I stumbled upon an obscure but informative documentary entitled “Spring Break Shark Attack” on CBS. For those of you that missed it I feel it’s my civic duty as an American to disseminate information that may save the lives of our women. Unfortunately people no longer seem to care about the three big issues of war, the economy, and shark attacks. If apathy towards shark attacks doesn’t end soon those scaly water sucking bastards are going to keep feasting on our womenfolk until humanity consists of only dudes and were are forced to turn gay. The wars that would result over who gets to pitch and who has to catch are too horrible to imagine. Something has to be done and it needs to be done now to save our cunts. Luckily for you I saw “Spring Break Shark Attack” and I took a few notes here and there. As best as I can remember here are the main arguments of this insightful documentary.

The documentary starts by examining the strange phenomenon of the Spring Break. Apparently spring break is a time for women to wear skimpy bathing suits, get drunk and roofied, and take late night swims in the ocean. I know what you’re thinking, where do I sign up. That’s exactly what the sharks want you to think. Here’s the way it will go down: You’ll head down to a popular spring break location and some stupid cock tease will let you buy her drinks till she’s retarded. She’s still not going to sleep with you. She’ll probably just act like her conversation was worth the money. Let me tell you something, there is no woman on this earth whose conversation is interesting enough that you should have to pay for it. Pull your heads out of your asses guys and make the sluts buy their own god damned drinks…… Ummmmm….. Let’s get back on track. The documentary then follows the drunken young women into the ocean as they playfully remove their clothes and plunge into the ocean naked. Naked women jumping into the ocean is almost guaranteed to alert every shark within 800 miles because women still haven’t figured out how to stop menstruating. Within minutes the sharks will be on our women like an Iraqi on an infidel.

The trend is alarming indeed, every year more than 1 woman will be attacked by a shark (probably). According to the expert marine biologists of “Spring Break Shark Attack” there are only two solutions to the problem: put Roy Scheider in the ocean with a tennis ball, a shoe, and some compressed air or keep the women in the kitchen where they belong. According to the theory of territoriality sharks will only feed in an area as long as the food is plentiful. If we keep our women in the kitchen the shark’s food supply will quickly dry up as spring break hotspots will become overrun with a bunch of dudes and quickly lose their popularity. A woman has everything she needs in the kitchen anyway: a clock on the oven, food to prepare for her man, cucumbers to satisfy herself with when her man is not around, a refrigerator to keep her man’s beer cold, and, if applicable, the children who need tending to. I don’t see any reason that a woman should be allowed to leave the kitchen. There is only one Roy Scheider and the only other proven method of shark attack prevention is handcuffing the bitch to stove. Seriously women, if you don’t want to get eaten by sharks you should probably stay in the kitchen. I suppose you could leave the house every once in awhile, but only with a male escort to protect you from land sharks.