The Super Bowl: a time for all Eagles fans to come together and watch two teams battle while scratching our heads and repeating over and over, “We should have been there. We would have won this game easily.” …But not this year. This year, all the hopes and dreams of one city would rest on the shoulders of Number Five and his troops as they marched into the final game of the playoffs. ONE: city, team, dream. What would follow would be one of the ugliest performances by a quarterback in recent Super Bowl history. ONE: more year. Yet through all the disappointment and heartbreak, all I could think about was one thing: how much Cris Collinsworth sucks.

Cris Collinsworth played wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals for eight years in the eighties, helping them reach two Super Bowls and being selected for the Pro Bowl three times in the process. He was a solid player and he ranks first on the Bengals all-time career receptions list. At this point in his career, Collinsworth hadn’t done anything to make me hate him.

In January of 1998, however, Collinsworth joined Fox Sports cast as a member of Fox NFL Sunday. Since then, his intelligent views and commentary as well as his outspoken demeanor have landed him a spot in the hearts of football fans across the nation.

Sike. Collinsworth’s “intelligent views” amount to his constant bashing of the play of other wide receivers and quarterbacks. He constantly points out that these guys are nowhere near as talented or as classy as he was and is. Add to that the fact that Collinsworth’s vagina explodes any time a player celebrates a touchdown and you’ve got a winning combination of “intelligent views.”

Collinsworth’s “outspoken demeanor” simply alludes to the fact that Cris Collinsworth is not shy about sucking Tom Brady’s penis in public. He even lets Brady take him from behind as long as it doesn’t cause anal leakage. This brings us back to the Super Bowl. Before this year’s Big Game, I always thought it was disrespectful and arrogant of Collinsworth to belittle players the way he has for a number of years now. I never liked him for that, but I didn’t quite hate him and I hadn’t at that point realized how much he sucked. Then he started talking about Tom Brady.

In Collinsworth’s eyes, Tom Brady is a god. It’s very true that Tom Brady is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL and if you need a guy to lead your team to the Super Bowl, he’s probably the guy. But Collinsworth spent the entire game praising Brady’s every motion. At one point, he actually praised Brady after he overthrew an open receiver for an incomplete pass. Collinsworth pointed out how composed and collected Brady was in the pocket (as his offensive line held strong and no Eagles came within five feet of him). At this time, Troy Aikman actually asked Collinsworth what the shit he was talking about, but Collinsworth couldn’t hear him because Tom Brady’s dick was in his ear.

By the end of the game, I was cringing just at the sound of Collinsworth’s voice. People don’t need an NFL analyst who constantly drones on about the same stupid thing like this. According to Cris Collinsworth, there have only been two great players to ever play the game of football: Tom Brady and Cris Collinsworth. Collinsworth must be hoping they can breed together somehow. It’s time to give up on Tom Brady, Cris. He’s had hot babes sucking his dick for years now; he just plain doesn’t need you.