You know the world is full of insecure, shallow women when their major source of inspiration of life advice is a TV show about four over the hill women. It’s completely fascinating how most women today take advice from Sarah Jessica Parker. A woman so beautiful that it takes three hours of work from the most expensive makeup crew a TV show can buy to make her look like she wasn’t beat in the face with an ugly stick. It really looks like Sarah Jessica Parker’s face caught on fire and someone put it out with a steel toed boot. She’s a 10 martini hook up at the very least. Flanking Parker is the elderly Kim Cattral who is somehow less attractive then Parker. The only thing Cattral has going for her is her character is easy and completely nondiscrimination. There should be a clause in Cattral’s contract forcing her to act with a bag over her head so I can at least pretend like she’s not a wildebeest. Cynthia Nixon apparently fills the role of the straight chick that looks straight up gay. Complete with short lesbianish hair and a face only a woman could love I’m not really sure what to think about Nixon. I guess I’d let her blow me, but I wouldn’t tell my friends about it. Rounding out the cast is Kristin Davis. Davis must have wandered onto the wrong set for auditions because she somehow wound up being the only attractive human being on this show. Why she hangs out with three hags is beyond me. I guess it makes her look that much better standing next to the other three.

I know what you’re saying “that’s pretty superficial to judge a show based on how attractive the main characters are. Ugly people need lovins too.” Let’s ignore the fact that the premise of the show is that these women can actually attract men, and I’ll humor you. Time to check out the substance of the show. The basic premise of the show is that Carrie (Parker) is an advice columnist trying to figure out her own sex life. With such brilliant advice as:

“I admit it’s tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we’ve been dealt, and accessorize what we’ve got.” Carrie

So you’re saying life isn’t perfect??!!!?? Hmmmm… where have I heard that before? Probably in every fucking TV show ever created. Way to be original by adding the word accessorize to make the quote appeal to women. Top notch writing.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous” Carrie

Holy crap, why not list some more types of relationships while you’re at it. This list isn’t nearly long enough for my taste. Please don’t forget that time you and that circus clown Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

“Can you get to your future if your past is present?” Carrie

Holy shit, thanks Stephen Hawking. That whole space time continuum thing sounds so simple when you explain it that way. Maybe if I run through a wormhole my past could be my present and I could regain the half hour I spent watching this god awful show.

“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.” Carrie

Thank you Miss Parker. You managed to take the very old (and very trite) statement that we learn from our mistakes and made it incredibly vapid. By the way, everywhere is only a plane ride away. You see, planes fly through the air. They can go pretty much anywhere.

“When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies…” Carrie

As opposed to those other times when it’s a great idea for people in glass houses to throw stones. Miss Parker may be correct that some people don’t want to settle…. or maybe they are old and unattractive. One of those two.

“I’m telling you: the fat ass, the farting - it’s ridiculous. I am un-fuckable. And I have never been so horny in my entire life. ….” Miranda

At least this Miranda character seems to get it. They are all pretty much unfuckable and smelly.

This show is like someone gave a book of proverbs to a bunch of old skanks and told them to hump the entire city of New York. When they aren’t catching an STD they occasionally throw some tired old proverb about life at you. Personally, I don’t take my advice from TV shows and neither should you. Don’t watch Sex and the City.