It’s come to my attention that some nationalities out there seem to think that they are as good, or even better, than the Irish. As a scholar and prominent member of the intelligentsia I am determined to disprove this myth of equality and establish once and for all that the Irish are the greatest race in the world. I promise that I will leave no stone unturned as I search for the truth. I intend to examine several facets of the race conundrum from culture to culinary prowess and beyond. I believe that the facts will demonstrate that the Irish are not only the best people in the world, but they might even be gods among men.

One of the most important representations of a people’s culture is how they represent themselves through symbols and figures. Particularly important is the “mascot” which comes to represent the values that a people hold dear. Through the examination of these mascots we should be able to discern if any races are indeed equal to the awesomeness of the Irish.

Let’s start of by examining the Irish mascot: The Drunken Fighting Leprechaun. First of all note that this guy is ready to beat your ass and he’s probably had more than enough drinks to start a Donnybrook if you look at him cross eyed. Not only will he kick your ass, but he’s well dressed enough to score some chicks after he’s done walking all over your face. Just look at the tails of his jacket fly about. There’s nothing more attractive to women than novelty hats and a badass green jacket. Last but not least his goatee is long enough to look manly, but not too long to the point that the ladies won’t like it. It is just long enough to tickle a girl’s ass while he’s munching her box. I don’t see any way other nationalities will be able to compete with this little bastard, but we might as well give them a chance.

The German mascot Swastika Sam has some serious issues. First of all he’s a snake like character that somehow got all twisted up into a four pronged figure. There is no indication he’s ready to fight or even that he knows which way he is going. Worst of all, like most Germans, he can’t achieve or maintain an erection without being defecated on. He thoroughly enjoys a good brown shower to the face (or as he puts it “sheise in mine eyeza”) and that is more than enough to disqualify him and the entire German people as being respectable in any way.

The Polish “Mr. Potato Head” mascot looks rather debonair with his fancy hat, moustache, and interchangeable facial features. However, anyone who knows Poland knows that the only thing they have going for them is potatoes. And if an Irishman is telling you that your country has way too many potatoes than you know there is a serious problem, people. Find another gig besides potatoes, dumb Polack jokes, and getting conquered by the Germans. Then I might consider the Polish half as nifty as the Irish.

The French have perhaps the creepiest mascot of all time with the “Old Mime with Crotch Bulge.” This is just disgusting. Not only are mimes the creepiest motherfuckers on the face of the earth but France managed to choose one with a crotch bulge. Way to earn that reputation as the gayest country on earth France. How much wine do you actually have to drink before a creepy old clown who can’t talk actually sounds like a good idea???

The Americans national mascot seems to be an elderly gentleman name “Uncle Sam.” Uncle Sam’s defining traits are that he is constantly pointing his finger at you, he’s really old, and extremely creepy. I can only assume he is some sort of proponent of colonoscopies and wants to stick his finger up my ass. This is somehow less gay than the French mime, but still really unnerving. No dice America.

Let’s not forget the world’s major religions as distinct cultural groups. The Jews and Christians have apparently come up with a joint attack to dethrone the Irish as the greatest people alive with Hanukkah Harry and Santa. Apparently the dynamic duo of Harry and Santa give out presents to little boys and girls who have been molested by Catholic priests and robbed by Jewish media types to silence them. Real nice guys, shut those little kids up before they can talk. An Irishman would simply cut out the present giving and beat their little talkative asses silent.

Islam has an extremely powerful mascot known as the “blue mage.” The blue mage has the ability to conceal all of its human features and succumb to repressive religion 24 hours a day. They can also cast level 20 fireballs or lightning storm in a pinch. The blue mage cannot, however, escape the boundaries of good ole’ Islam.

Perhaps the second most impressive mascot is the Japanese “two animated chicks fucking” or “hentai.” At first glance hentai is awesome. It combines the essential characteristics of the male fantasy: 1.) You can draw women doing anything you want them to 2.) Gender ambiguity 3.) Tentacle rape 4.) All the chicks have huge boobs and neatly trimmed cooters. But when you actually think about it you realize that somewhere a bunch of Asian dudes are beating off to this and its not nearly as cool. Any mascot that makes me think of Mr. Miagi stroking it is not a good one. Nice try Japan.

The Mexicans are the final entry with their taco stuffing Chihuahua dog. This guy had some potential, but his writers were terrible. We get it, Yo Quiero Taco Bell. That got real old real quick. If they had come up with other ads like Yo Quiero Analingus or Yo Quiero Partial Birth Abortions than he might have had a chance at dethroning the drunken fighting Irishman, but that never happened.

It’s pretty clear to me (and I think I’ve convinced you too) that the Irish are better than you. Stay tuned for future updates on topics like alcohol variety, bombing the English, and badass accents.