If there is one thing I have come to realize about Americans it’s that they would vote either Democrat or Republican even if both parties ran fascists dictators. For Christ’s sake, people actually thought that either Bush or Kerry were attractive choices! The American people had their choice between an invalid and someone with absolutely no convictions whatsoever and they still ignored the third party alternatives. I tend to assume that most Americans have their heads firmly implanted in their sphincters, but the election of 2004 was quite possibly the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. The fact that Bush and Kerry got any votes whatsoever has just convinced me that the American people need to be educated and introduced to the plethora of third party candidates offering viable alternatives to the traditional Republican/Liberal (retard/fudge packer) dichotomy that has prevailed in American politics.

The Pot Party

Some critics have alleged that the Pot Party is a single issue party that lacks a clear vision for American society other than the legalization of marijuana. This is simply untrue. The Pot Party has articulated a wide rang of policy goals including legalizing marijuana, making marijuana lawful, and insuring that marijuana is not illegal. Anyway you look at it the Pot Party leadership is much more intelligent than you average Democrap/Republicunt whose argument is “marijuana should be illegal even though it is no worse than alcohol in any way. It’s wrong because I say so.” Sorry, but I prefer to use logic not emotion when deciding if something should be legal or not. Don’t forget to give the Pot Party some props at the voting booth in 2008.

Strengths: Always wiling to pass

Weaknesses: Oh shit, I was supposed to go in to work today? My sperm count is how low?

Overall: 5/10

The CommyNazis

Wear a monocle? Hate capitalist pig dogs and everyone whose skin is a different color than yours? Does goose stepping stretch your glutes and leave you invigorated? The CommyNazi party might be the choice for you. This unusual party has combined the communist hatred of capitalism with Nazi self loathing and hatred for all races! The CommyNazi party is ideal for xenophobes and those who like to repress all forms of dissent (Republicans) as well as whiny little shits who complain about poverty and the distribution of wealth from their mansions (Democrats). Besides, you really want to be in with these guys when they seize power or you might slip and fall on a bullet.

Strengths: Insanity, thirst for blood, silly hats, oven and shower manufactures through the roof

Weaknesses: Self loathing, denial, chew with their mouths open

Overall: 7/10

The Monarchists

If ethnic cleansing and socialistic redistribution of wealth are too radical for you, but you still want a ruler with an iron fist the Monarchists are a good alternative to CommyNazi radicals. The Monarchists boast an impressive cult of personality focused on The King who apparently provides delicious meat burgers at value prices. The King plans on maintaining power through his all knowing and all seeing security apparatus. It’s almost like The King is watching you at all times. This is always appealing to voyeurs, peeping toms, and upskirt connoisseurs. The Monarchists plan to establish the kingship as a hereditary, lifelong position, but we can always kill off a king or two if need be. Tyranicide has half the guilt of killing a democratically elected leader but all of the taste.

Strengths: cult of personality, crowns rock balls, coercion shuts up all the stupid people

Weaknesses: toilet cams, scepters are real gay and so are princes

Overall: 9/10

Anarchists

Anarchists may be the biggest waste of genetic material ever. In fact, they are probably best described as the world’s only living abortions. The brilliant anarchist social vision includes whining, bitching, mohawks, moaning, shirts with the letter A on them, and no fucking clue about what to do if anarchy were actually to happen. Apparently the anarchists think if we get rid of political authorities life will somehow improve. Let’s get one thing straight, the only thing anarchy leads to is military dictatorships and punk music. I would be able to tolerate a brutal military junta, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to listen to any more punk music than is already popular.

Strengths: none

Weaknesses: punk blows, brain dead, mohawks are gay, punk really blows

Overall: -5/10

Hypocritical Party

The hypocrites are those unique characters who can criticize someone for doing one thing, turn around and do that exact thing, and think they are honest. The hypocritical party is actually more of a broad coalition of people who think jokes about other peoples race, sexual orientation, or religion are funny but get mad when you make a joke about whatever the fuck they are, people who tell you not to do drugs and then get caught popping painkillers, people who talk about loving their brother but lack a tolerant bone in their body, and so on and so forth.

Strengths: It’s completely impossible to convince them they are wrong

Weaknesses: See above

Overall: 3/10

That’s it for now, but there are many other interesting and exciting third parties out there. Don’t forget to keep you minds open, your beers cold, and dead hookers buried at least 6 feet under.