Ron Jeremy

Here’s to you Ron Jeremy. Only a true porn star like you can turn 12 inches of penis and 45 pounds of beer gut into a successful multimillion dollar career. When you started your career you were ugly and hairy, but you persevered and rode your bloated cock all the way to the top… and now you’re ugly, hairy, and fat. Thankfully you haven’t let this stop you as you’re nailing women like a Roman on Jesus. Like St. George slaying the mythical dragon you bury your sword to the hilt in their poopchutes. You don’t care that your enormous hose is impacting their colons, enflaming their digestive tract, and plowing their esophagus as long as it makes a good movie. After abusing their anus the fun really begins because you have the balls to pull all 12 inches out of their ass and blow your load on their faces before the camera star wipes to you grinning smugly with your creepy mustache. So here’s to you Ron Jeremy. Hit her in the shitter. Slap her in the crapper. Rest your stomach on her tits as you fuck her in the mouth. You know I’ll be watching with my pants around my ankles.

Peter North

Here’s to you Peter North. Only a real man of penis could fire his load with the velocity of a North Korean running towards the last grain of rice. Only a real man of penis could catapult more man chowder than an Afghani could grow opium. It’s good to know that amongst a sea of mediocre porn I can always count on you to deliver a tsunami of semen every time. Like a glowing beacon in the dead of night, you give hope to white men across the globe that have the ability to shoot gallons of semen accurately from several yards away. Every time I pull out of my girlfriend and fail to reach her belly button with my spooge your videos remind me that one day I too might one day blast her in the eye with my man milk. I’m even willing to forgive you for doing gay porn because you give me so much hope and inspiration. Not that I’ve ever seen your gay stuff, but I’ve heard about it. Seriously though, that guy was cute. So here’s to you Peter North, at least you don’t pee on the women.