A couple of my make friends recently told me they enjoy what I like call “bed talk.” That is, they like to talk while they fuck. Let me clear this up for anyone who has a similar delinquent behavior: there is no need for the exchange of words during sex. The only appropriate phrases are “slap my ass”, “stick it in my ass”, and “eat this caramel out of my ass.” Other than those three phrases I can’t think of a single thing I want to hear during sex. If you’re going to tell me something before or after would be a good time for it. I don’t need women telling me they love me when I’ve got my sausage in their snatch. Save that for after I give you multiple orgasms damnit. This is why God invented ball gags motherfuckers. I’ll pretend that I’m listening to you and I care what you have to say after I spooge.

Chances are women are just going to talk about shopping for shoes or some other horrible money wasting pursuit anyway. Either that or they are going to try and talk dirty which is freakin hilarious. I think if one of my girlfriends ever tried to talk dirty to me in the sack I would crack up laughing and donkey punch her for being a chode. Trying to talk dirty is a ridiculous concept to begin with. It’s like you’re still trying to have phone sex but you’re actually getting the real stuff. I don’t jack off to porn when one of my girlfriends are over so don’t talk to me like we’re on the phone. Chances are what you’re going to say is going to be ridiculous anyway. Let’s take a look at some possible bed talk and the appropriate responses:

It’s so big—– Yeah, your mom thought so too. Wash my damn balls with your mouth whore.

Make me feel dirty—- Finally, I’ve had a giant crap brewing all day.

Fuck me harder—- Maybe if I do that I’ll fuck some honesty into you, you lying slut.

Can I suck your dick?—- No, but I can fuck your mouth.

Get the handcuffs and tie me up—- Let’s just use your back hair. It works just as well.

You’re my daddy—- Nope, you’ve met me before.

Let’s role-play—- Okay, I’ll be me and you’ll be a mime. Shut your cock holster.

Cum in my mouth—- No way, too many calories. Take a lap first pudgie.

There you have it. The next time someone assaults you with some ridiculous bed talk you’ll know exactly how to counter it. The next time your significant other springs some bed talk on you I recommend using some of these lines on them to see which ones best fit your personality.