1.) Hot chicks are overrated. Fat chicks can do everything they can do, but it’s easier to get one.

2.) Baseball is boring and there is absolutely no reason anyone should ever watch it.

3.) Women will keep fucking the same kind of guy even though all of their relationships end poorly.

4.) Being nice to a woman will only get you stuck in the “friend zone.”

5.) The “friend zone” is a place where women put guys who would be great for them so they can go out and sleep with a bunch of assholes.

6.) Good music doesn’t need lyrics. Go tell Bach that one of his symphonies needed lyrics and he’d kick you in the balls.

7.) Napoleon Dynamite sucked. Stop quoting it.

8.) There isn’t a single decent sitcom on TV except for Arrested Development. Good job TV execs, keep cramming the same repetitive, sterilized shit onto the air.

9.) Suicide should be immediately legalized and encouraged. The herd needs some thinning out before we get overrun with emo pussies.

10.) Beer is delicious and probably cures cancer too.

11.) Philadelphia is not the city of brotherly love; it’s the city of incest. Philadelphia comes from the Greek Philadelphus, a title commonly given to men who married their sisters.

12.) What’s happening in this country right now is a horrible natural disaster. It’s entirely too hot and humid for the end of September.

13.) The only men who wear earrings are pirates or homos… and I don’t see to many guys walking around with parrots on their shoulders.

14.) Country is the worst music ever created. I would rather listen to a bunch of Indian chicks wailing in that annoying, high voice that they all have then some redneck playing shitty guitar and singing about how “American” he is.

15.) 99% of women don’t get real tattoos. Getting a “tramp stamp” or “license plate” on your lower back doesn’t make you original or sexy.

16.) Guys with armband tattoos see above.

17.) Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

18.) New flavor doesn’t mean better tasting assholes. If something is delicious why does some douche bag have to go and make it “new” and “extreme?” Jack Daniels hasn’t changed its recipe for 7 generations. You’d think Doritos could leave theirs alone for a couple of years.

19.) It doesn’t matter how nice you are to the people around you if you turn a blind eye to what your government is doing. Helping some old lady across the street doesn’t make the terrorists hate us less.

20.) No man should ever shave his chest or legs. Leave that stuff to the weaker sex.

21.) Pearl Harbor was the worst historical movie in the history of historical movies. Worse than old British movies that called all Africans “fuzzy wuzzies.”

22.) You can justify killing anyone by saying they were threatening our freedoms, but I’ve yet to hear an intelligent explanation regarding exactly what freedoms are being threatened and why bombing Shitsuckistan is gonna make us safer.

23.) Baked potato chips are for pussies.

24.) Cowboy hats are awesome, but country still licks man-sack.

25.) Wearing tighty whities is pretty much as bad as slavery if not worse.

26.) Cheap tequila is like vomit flavored Tylenol. Sure, they both get the job done…

27.) Tigers are an endangered species having trouble finding food and we have thousands of free range Mexicans running around our borders every day. Why not kill two birds with one stone?

28.) The Japanese are the sickest sons of bitches on the planet. Honorable mention goes to Germany.

29.) Card decks should contain 52 aces of spades and nothing else. The winner is the one who is strong enough to take all the chips.

30.) Doyle Brunson can probably kick your ass.

31.) Women’s beach volleyball is the new national past time. (Just go with me on this one guys.)

32.) Umbrellas are henceforth renamed “pussy sticks.”

33.) New York style pizza is the only real pizza. Chicago style tries to make up for sub par cheese and sauce with toppings. Eat shit Chicago.

34.) Horses are the poor man’s donkey.

35.) Donkeys are the poor man’s llama.

36.) Llamas are fluffy and sensual.

37.) Cologne is not to be used as body wash.

38.) Car fresheners are not to be used as cologne.

39.) Altoids mints “curious” strength comes from blended babies.

40.) You could throw out everything ever written by Stephen King, John Grisham, and J.K. Rowling and there would be no detrimental effects to Western civilization.

41.) Unless it was done more than 50 years ago, don’t remake it.

42.) Now that I think on it, Pearl Harbor might actually be the worst movie ever made. I’ve seen gay porn that sucked fewer dicks.

43.) Mickey Mouse is a retarded alternative to Bugs Bunny. Same for Donald Duck compared to Daffy.

44.) Iron Maiden is the best band ever. Worst band ever goes to every band that sings about what it’s like to be a 15 years old.

45.) SUV’s are for tards. Enjoy the gas prices morons.

46.) Mel Brooks movies are pound for pound the funniest ever made. Honorable mention to Monty Python.

47.) Politicians should be respected about the same as mosquitoes. Probably less.

48.) The best line in any movie, ever, is “Get to the choppa!”

49.) Conan O’Brien will be the first president of Earth.

50.) My balls are bigger than yours.