That’s right, Mr. Miyagi didn’t really die. Did you honestly think that any weapon or illness known to man could possibly do away with humanity’s greatest warrior? Sounds ridiculous when I phrase it that way, doesn’t it? People say Keith Richards is immortal, but compared to Mr. Miyagi he’ll last about as long as I do in bed. Mr. Miyagi laughs at animals like crocodiles that have only been around for about 200 million years. In fact, he created crocodiles one day when he swallowed a Stegosaurus and shit pieces of him out into a pond. Ever wonder why he was familiar with the infamous Crane Kick? Yup, he invented cranes too. One day he tied ten pterodactyls together to use as a toothpick. What was left after he was done flossing was the world’s first crane.

What actually happened to Mr. Miyagi you may ask. Well, a basic knowledge of world history and Norse mythology clearly points to Miyagi’s ascendance to Valhalla. Mr. Miyagi was obviously bored with besting the warriors of Earth and used his magical powers to transcend this world, bypass death, and go straight to Valhalla. He probably gave death an atomic wedgie, and maybe even a wet willie, as he was passing by on his way to Valhalla. The only hope for the human species is that Mr. Miyagi is content to wail on Odon and Thor rather than coming back to Earth and unleashing his wrath upon our cities and Sesame Places.

I can tell some of you are unfamiliar with the concept of Valhalla. First, let me say that I loathe your ignorance and hope your genitalia itch for a period of no shorter than 3 hours. Secondly, all your base are belong to Miyagi. Anywhom, Valhalla is where Norse heroes who have been slain in battle go after death to prepare for the final apocalyptic battle called Ragnarok. It probably took Mr. Miyagi at least half an hour before he soundly thrashed every soldier in Valhalla and got tired of vanquishing the spirits of men. And by half an hour I mean ten minutes to pulverize every last warrior spirit, fifteen minutes to cook an entire turkey with his breath, and five minutes to eat the turkey.

The next logical step for our very brave, and very deadly, protagonist would be to spar with the Norse gods themselves. First is Loki; the trickster God. Trickery, however, has no effect on a finely tuned killing machine like Mr. Miyagi. He would clearly see through Loki’s ruses and rip his heart out through his foot. (No, I don’t know how he does that either.) The leader and father of the Gods is Odin. Good old “Ody”, as all the hipsters call him, is a master of mental trickery and knowledge. Unfortunately for him, Mr. Miyagi was born with more knowledge than Jesus and Alex Trebek combined. Odin’s head would certainly explode if Miyagi chose to explain to him how people bought Nickelback albums… to listen to them! Thor is physically the mightiest of all the gods. He uses his magical hammer to bludgeon his opponents into unconsciousness and have dirty, Viking sex in their poopers. Mr. Miyagi fucking hates sodomy. Need I say more?

It doesn’t look like Mr. Miyagi will be returning to Earth any time soon. He still has a tag team handicap match against the Holy Trinity and an arm wrestling match against that crazy ass elephant with all the arms. The only thing we can do until Mr. Miyagi returns from Valhalla victorious is celebrate his numerous achievements here on Earth:

Mr. Miyagi once yelled at the color blue and frightened it so throughly that it split up into cyan, aquamarine, and royal blue.

Mr. Miyagi was paid for playing two roles in the Karate Kid. Ralph Machio is actually one of his pinky toes with clothes on.

Mr. Miyagi resurrected Freddy Mrecury’s moustache shortly after his death. That moustache now sits on Mr. Miyagi’s shoulder as his companion.

It rains when Mr. Miyagi addresses clouds in a stern manor and they cry.

Neil Armstrong didn’t land on the moon, Mr. Miyagi placed him there.

Mr. Miyagi actually cut his nose off to spite his face. It grew back.

Mr. Miyagi dries off after showering by jumping in the microwave.

Mr. Miyagi is the only thing holding up the Cumbre Viejo.

Mr. Miyagi has only had sexual intercourse once. He pulled out and blew his load into a wagon full of manure: thus was created both politicians and religion.

Sound was not invented until Mr. Miyagi wanted to hear his balls slapping against Cleopatra’s ass.

When Mr. Miyagi smokes pot he doesn’t get high. The pot gets sober.

When Mr. Miyagi goes swimming in a riptide the current not only takes him out, but it also pays the bill.

Mr. Miyagi doesn’t need to eat. He does it out of spite.

Mr. Miyagi is incapable of taking Scantron tests because he pops the bubbles.

Mr. Miyagi’s drink of choice: meat loaf.

I once shook hands with Mr. Miyagi. My spine is still crooked.

Mr. Miyagi is the only human being to ever chew a stick of gum until it disappeared.

Mr. Miyagi almost needed stitches once. Luckily he had a tube of superglue and a zipper instead.

Mr. Miyagi created Rock and Roll when he tied some string to President Millard Fillmore and shredded the Star Spangled Banner. He briefly considered ending Rock when he first heard Nirvana, but he decided to invent suicide instead. He allows Courtney Love to live until one of her crack babies eats its way through her womb and into her arm for a fix.