Well, that thing that happens every four years in the snow is back again. It’s the Winter Olympics! Don’t give a shit? Neither do I. Except for men’s hockey which kicks more ass than any other Olympic event period. The winter Olympics is generally filled with some of the weirdest, and least watchable, sporting events on television. That being said, television in general is more painful than your average flesh eating virus and the Olympics are probably the best thing on TV right now. You just have to know how to watch them like a real man. As a veritable archetype of masculinity I’m going to let you all in on some excellent ways to actually enjoy the winter Olympics.

Rule # 1: Deny everything. Your friends just caught you watching figure skating. This is always awkward. There are very few excuses you can use to get out of this one. The “I was just flipping through the channels” excuse just isn’t going to cut it here. Try this instead: “Yeah man, they just had a special on Michelle Kwan. Man, I’d like that slut to sit on my face!” Your friends probably won’t buy it, but at least you’ll escape the situation with some dignity. On a side note, Michelle Kwan is really fucking hot and I would pay her to sit on my face if she had a yeast infection.

Rule # 2: Make fun of everyone’s accents as much as possible. Sure they are not from the United States and are not native speakers of English. Sure you can’t speak any other languages. That doesn’t mean you should give those bastards a free pass. Make sure to point out all their speech deficiencies and imitate them as much as possible. America is the best country in the world and anyone who can’t speak fluent English should be ridiculed and sterilized.

Rule # 3: Cheer for America and against the other guy. Make sure you proclaim loud and proud just how much you love America and American athletes. At the same time make sure you don’t give those foreign sons of bitches a free pass. Brush up on your racial slurs now when you have the chance. Sure, slurring the Italians, Germans, Canadians and Russians is easy enough, but what happens when one of our boys is racing a Latvian? Will you be ready to yell racial slurs at the television on demand? Not if you don’t study hard you won’t! Also, remember to use the standard format: “Go John Q. American kick the shit out of that ::insert racial slur here:: bastard!”

Rule # 4: Make sure to sound as manly as possible. Point out how “fruity” all these events are. For example, try to focus in on the tight outfits in events like the luge. Try this one: “I bet that outfit comes in handy when he’s picking up guys to have sex with.” It’s that simple. Also, every male figure skater is gay and if you fail accuse each and every skater of homosexuality your friends will start to suspect that you are gay as well. Be as loud as humanly possible and point obnoxiously at the television so everyone knows you’ve spotted yet another gay, male figure skater.

Rule # 5: Nothing is a sport. Curling? Not a sport. Figure skating? Nope. Skiing? Nuh uh. Make sure everyone in the room knows that you are the authority on what a sport is and not the Olympic Committee. A real man only labels something a sport if there is some sort of bludgeoning motion made towards another human being with a stick, bat, or human appendage.

Rule # 6: I could do that! Everyone in the room should recognize that if you trained a little harder you could be an Olympic athlete too. Especially emphasize how “sports” like curling take no skill and “My mother/wife/sister sweeps better than that.” It is important not to admit to actually doing any sweeping yourself. “Anyone can go down a big hill and go flying with skis on.” “Except for Tanya Harding I never saw anyone playing defense on figure skaters.” (Yes, Tanya Harding jokes are still in. If nobody laughs then it went over their heads.) And so on.

Rule # 7: Pot is not a performance enhancing drug. This subject has never been discussed before and you can probably come up with some pretty original jokes about athletes getting the munchies and being lazy rather than competing. Make sure to show your dedication to pot and discuss this topic every time a new event begins. It doesn’t hurt to proclaim “420 for life” or something equally original either.

Rule # 8: Every Olympics should be held in the U.S. Don’t let the host country rest on its laurels. It’s a proven fact that America is God’s chosen country and the rightful host of every single Olympics ever. Any deviation from this rule is evidence of international conspiracy and anti-Americanism abroad. It was probably the French/Muslims/Communists/Pacifists who got the Olympics moved to somewhere else.

Rule #9: Be racist. The Winter Olympics is almost completely dominated by white and Asian athletes. Every time you see an individual of African or Muslim decent make comments like “Oh no! One got past security!” or “Now they have Affirmative Action in sports too?” That is, of course, unless an American of color wins a medal. In which case they must be “one of the good ones.”

Rule #10: Drink up. Without alcohol not only will it be difficult to enjoy the games it will also be nearly impossible to execute the first 9 rules. A generous serving of alcohol will lower your standards of what is acceptable entertainment as well as freeing up your inhibitions. You’ll be able to simultaneously enjoy the games and make ridiculously manly comments with impunity. Without alcohol where would this country be anyway?