Grey’s Anatomy licks my sack. I’ve never actually watched a second of this show and I still know it licks sack. Whoever Grey is, if that is a character in the show, must have pubes all over her tongue from bathing James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater as her job. Yeah, that’s right, that was an Anchorman reference. You won’t find any trite, emo drivel coming from Brian Fantana. That’s because Brian Fantana is a real man. He knows how to survive a vicious cock fight.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse than Sex and the City, Grey’s Anatomy basically steals their format (which I’m pretty sure was stolen from Doogie Howser M.D. in the first place) and recasts the same dialogue in a hospital. Man, what I wouldn’t give for Doogie Howser back on the air. Neil Patrick Harris is pretty much magical. Anyway, let’s take a look at some of the meaningless quotes which might as well be from an episode of Sex and the City:

“A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.”

Benjamin Franklin was also an alcoholic. Maybe we should also pickle our livers with Yuengling too. Fuck off. I’ve got an even better idea, let’s all fly kites in lightning storms and see who survives! Even the biggest failure beats the hell out of never trying? Sorry, but I think the world would be a much better place if Hitler never tried. What’s with all this negativity concerning procrastination anyway? You know what I just did for the last ten minutes? I counted the number of goose bumps on my nuts. Do me a favor and take your blanket statements and broad generalizations and stick them up your alcoholic, Hitler loving ass you Nazi sympathizer bitch.

“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.”

Oh yeah, and also those fairy tales where trolls ate talking goats, ogres made people’s bones into bread, Jesus rose from the dead, and four ugly bitches living in New York City got cock every episode. I don’t know about you, but I stopped believing in dragons some time in elementary school. Let it go already emo pussy. Maybe, just maybe, this ridiculous idea of prince charming is why you’re always going to be a frigid bitch and no one will ever meet your expectations. You’re going to die alone in your bathroom with a bottle of cheap chardonnay in your hand. Why put off liver failure till tomorrow when you can start drowning your sorrows today. Drink up whore.

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that it’s happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.”

Again with the fairy tales. It’s your own fault that your castle always has its drawbridge open and the black night shows up every other night with five bucks for a quick jousting. Also, I have no interest in hearing your sordid tales of breath play. Do us all a favor next time and tell the dominant not to let go until you stop kicking.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”

Sounds like a whole shitload of loser talk to me. Maybe I should bend over and let life fuck me in the ass too. I’ll probably feel better about it if I tell myself that I’m lucky to be alive and God loves me. Then I could bake cookies, color in rainbows, and choke back my tears as I watch your shitty TV show. Human beings are evolved hominids and nothing more. We have an inherited instinct to stay alive so we don’t need your whiney contemplation on the struggle to appreciate life. Or did you skip evolution in Biology class… DOCTOR.

“I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up - I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope…”

There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual. And depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.”

Jesus Christ almighty, I get it. You don’t know when to say when. You’re glass is always half full because you drank the rest of the fuckin bottle. Keep on dreaming of that bottomless glass though. Maybe one day it will come true and you can sail off in your fantasy ship to magical Happyland on a see of whiskey. By the way, a woman’s barometer of need and desire is called the nipple. When you need and desire, it gets hard.

I’m done with this show. I haven’t even seen a second of it and these quotes already make me so angry I could kick a fluffy little bunny rabbit. Into a microwave.