It was a dark night. 7:15 on a Friday night, the heart of the dinner rush.

We stepped into the joint. We were greeted by some girl named Stacey. Her smile was as wide as her butt. I don’t know if that was a good thing or not.

Over in the corner I spied my inside man. Born on the streets of Brooklyn, the first thing he ever did was kill his mom. The second thing he ever did was eat a Big Mac. Killing makes a guy hungry. His real name was Mikey L., but usually just went by the name Ranger.

I played it cool. I tried to get a good look at the joint. It would be easy to plan out everything being that we would have to wait 30 mins. to get a table. Mostly because I requested non-smoking. I looked around. Several of the dames working at the establishment looked like the nosey type; not good, but it could be dealt with. Most of the men looked slack-jawed, and feeble; not to mention their colars, like their faces, could use a good starching. One swift melee to the taint and they would go down; easy.

When we went to sit down, Ranger did all the work. What lay before me was a table for four, not far from the kitchen, and not too far from hell either. As we had planned, I asked about the Chicken Alfredo Pizza, and Ranger went to work showing me where the garden lay, using the cover of the menu.

From what I made of the hand motions, the garden of olives that they like to hide so much was located back through the kitchen. Most of the people back there would be easily avoided, or taken out. The manager, Vinny, would be espically easy. This guy can barely keep track of weather there will be work for his crew or not, let alone a fist coming down into the bridge of his nose.

The chef though, he would be a problem. See, Ranger wasn’t the only person I had talked to about the job. There was another insider, a dame, who had told about a chef that had made it his entire life’s mission to guard the olive garden. A man made of steel, and a spatula made of iron. “This mission will be sucessful or not, all depending on how you feel tonight.”, she had told me, and I didn’t forget it. “When you leave tonight, you won’t want many witnesses. I could take Mikey out for you.” I agreed with her, though I was of the suspicion she had her own reasons.

I just ordered a salad. The job would begin before my plate emptied out, but I should be watching my figure in the mean time.

It all went down perfectly, as planned.

Appetizers…entre’es…a cough from the seating area.

I knew it was time to go. I excused myself, saying I had to tinkle, and then headed off towards the kitchen, and that cold-blooded chef…………….

So there I was minding my own business, surfing on the tsunami of the internet super-major roadway. The stuff, I was looking for was mostly educational, you know, stuff like “WareZ XXX 13 Yr. Old Lesbian Boob Sex Crackz”, and “How to refinance your mortgage (using dead babies as capital)”, when all of a sudden I was under attack.

Boom, crash, hull breach.

Before I realized it, my Windows based system was flaring up. First my wallpaper changes from pictures of smiling, laughing children, like usual, to an ad that informs me that I am under attack by spyware! Oh no. It tells me that I need to spend money on their products to get rid of spyware. Amazingly similar to blackmail, but I suppose it could be worse.

After some internet snooping I found out the manufaturer of the spyware does make an uninstaller. How quaint, I thought. These aren’t so bad. They feel bad about forcing their Spyware on me and want to make it right. So I download the uninstaller. After running it, it didn’t fix the problem, but it sure did take to a website survey of theirs, that they use to better serve their customers. I guess I was a customer in the same way rape victims are customers. So I gladly filled out their survey. When they asked why I decided to uninstall their amazing beneficial software none of the pre-written answers seemed quite right, so I obliged by writing my own.

After that I went to a forum for other “customers” that were having problems, and someone was nice enough to list out the couple of easy steps needed to unsintall this valuable oportunity from my computer.

Hello henpantaeinai , Welcome to the MTS. This is what I suggest you do. Download CWShredder from my signature below. Unzip it on the desktop. Open CWShredder and with ALL other windows closed, click fix. Go here and run online scans (all), allow them to delete whatever they find: TrendMicro HouseCall eTrust AntiVirus Web Scanner Panda ActiveScan Note any thing that can’t be fixed Reboot when done. Next: Even if you’ve already run these, make SURE they’re up-to-date and run per instructions. Make sure you have the up-to-date versions of Spybot V 1.3 and Ad-aware SE Build 1.05 . All are free and available below in my signature. Download Spybot, install and update. Then download Ad-aware, install, and update. Spybot: Install the program and launch it. Go to Start > Programs >Spybot > Search & Destroy and choose Spybot S&D Close ALL windows except Spybot S&D Click the button to “Search for Updates” and download and install the Updates. Next click the button “Check for Problems” When Spybot is complete, it will be showing “RED” (RED) entries “BLACK” entries and “GREEN” (GREEN) entries in the window Put a check mark beside the RED (RED) entries ONLY. Choose “Fix Selected Problems” and allow Spybot to fix the RED (RED) entries. Ad-Aware FULL SCAN: Install the program and launch it. First in the main window look in the bottom right corner and click on Check for updates now then click Connect and download the latest reference files. From main window :Click Start then under Select a scan Mode check Perform full system scan. Next deselect Search for negligible risk entries. Now to scan just click the Next button. When the scan is finished mark everything for removal and get rid of it.(Right-click the window and choose select all from the drop down menu and click Next) Empty Recycle Bin Reboot and “copy/paste” a new HJT log file into this thread.

Oh Spyware, you sure make life interesting!

“Sorry, I could help overhearing your conversation, but I chose not to. That’s your new Mercedes?”

“Yeah, it was close to 50 grand, you like it?”

“It’s pretty ugly, but i’m impressed by how much you spent on it. Are you wealthy?”

“Not really, I spent all the money I have on that car. You should see how shitty my house is, but I figured that my daughter didn’t need to go to a real college anyway. Community colleges are just as good.”

“No they aren’t.”

“She’s really my step daughter. I’ve only known her since she was 5, so I don’t care that much.”

“Well I don’t know her at all so I guess I don’t care either. What do you do for a living?”

“Well I’m involved in a court case right now.”

“Lawyer?”

“No I’m hoping for a big settlement. I got into an accident one day on my way to pick up my unemployment check. I’m expecting to get upwards of 5 million.”

“That’s a lot of money!”

“Yeah when it comes through I’m gonna get another Mercedes. Hopefully one ever bigger.”

“Maybe you can fix up your house.”

“I guess.”

As a porn connesieur, I see many trends within the industry developing and disapearing. Most of these trends however, like any other form of entertainent, do not hold true to life whatsoever, and should not be taken seriously. Just in case you were confused, I have decided to list some of the major ones, and talk about them a little.

Every Asshole is clean, every asshole is sacred - I don’t know if you have noticed, but occasionaly people poop with their butts. While this can be done in a relatively clean fashion (thanks toilet paper) it often is not a 100% sterile enviornment. However, in porn you may see something along the lines of a complete random stranger being picked up off the street, immediately followed by their asshole getting licked (Rimjob, Analingus). This is something you probably don’t want to do in real life unless you are somewhat special. What you are not seeing, the smoke and mirrors part, is that these people have cleaned their anuses beforehand to ensure smooth sailing. I heard that they use anything from Ajax (an abrasive?) to BenGay (have been and aparently will be again). For the average person, that is able to sweet talk their girlfriend into anal, you probably want to take a shower (experts reccomend sensual showers, but anykind will do) clean things up real nice with bodywash maybe, and then continue in the shower for easiest cleanup. Showers are good for cleaning up all kinds of thigs too, so feel free to go crazy. (showers will not clean up your girlfriends death, sorry)

It’s only rape until they cum - If you watch enough porn, you’ll eventually see some rape (otherwise you aren’t trying hard enough). It is important to emphesize that the rape in porn is not real. You’ll see something like a dude grab a girl, and she’ll say something like “where are we going?” and then he’ll stick it in her and she’ll say “oh, no!” and eventually she’ll start to like it and becomes a slut. If you think this works in real life you are probably one of my housemates (or me). The truth is that most women are so stubborn, that even if you do a really good job, they probably won’t admit it, and instead claim that they were violated. (sorry Kobe) Nuff said.

Blacker guys, bigger penises? - It’s wierd that sterotypes are harmful even if they are complamentative. In the same boat as “Asians are smart” you will find “Black Guys have big penises”. A feature of the porn industry is that the amount of male porn is relativley small, and it obviously draws guys with big penises (back in the day, you could be like 4″ and still be a pornstar somehow). What this means is that porn is not indicitave of the general population, and you would do well to learn that. You’ll see plenty of black guys with large dicks in porn, but they really are only 3 different guys. While the average penis size of black guys might be slightly larger; 1/2″ - 1″ (I made these up, I really don’t know) you shouldn’t expect them all to have large penises, and you really shouldn’t date someone just for that fact. Know the facts before you become a dogfart.

Do Asian guys really exist? - You never see any in porn, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them before. Oh wait, I roomed with an asian guy once. Yeah, they do exist. For more information, check out….

Well that has been the first installment. Check back later for more. I hope you were reading this at work.

As you likely know, Febuary is Blacktron history month.Supprisingly, though Legos(TM) have been around for years, many people do not know about the rich history of these little plastic homo-erectites.

Blacktron was the clan that started it all. Dressing in all black, and partaking in international piracy, this race of people had soon acquired hoardes of gold covered plastic blocks. Things persisted like this for hundreds of years, as the powers in charge kept a tight reign on their criminal civilization. Eventually, a small faction of the Blacktron crew, led by a little lego Socrates, decided that it was morally reprehensible to pirate things, and also that they would look a lot more stylish if their visors were neon green instead of black.

This new branch of rebels called themselves Blacktron II, while simeltaniously renaming the original Blackrons ‘SpyTron’. Despite the frequent skirmishes with SpyTron, Blacktron II still prospered much, and wore very stylish clothes. Soon they had an entire base built on what we can only assume was on the moon. This base cost over $80 dollars, and contained enough room for 8 different members of Blacktron II complete with 3 and 1/2 baths, and a walk in closet. The base was named the ‘Floating Fortress’ because it was covered in so many laser blasters or boosters, it is tough to determine exactly. Once again, all was well until…

A new faction of legonites which had very recently been using swords as their main weapon was able to quickly gain a vast amount of technology. They did this all through purchasing power, as they weren’t smart enough to invent this stuff on their own. Some historians believe the money came from their feudal style of economics, though I believe they simply ran up huge credit card debts. Calling themselves ‘M-Tron’ which is short for ‘Em-Tron’ they became the preppiest group of legos available. In fact, instead of building any kind of capital base, they simply own a huge SUV like vehicle to house all their members. While they constantly are feuding with Blacktron II, they spend what little free time they have getting wasted, and having mixers with the Barbie Sorority.

So you can see that the Lego culture is was better than say, the French culture because let’s face it, wine was a good idea, baguttes are alright, but mimes are enough to cancel both of those things out.

That’s the way it’s supposed to work isn’t it? Everyone is their own beautiful unique snowflake, but when you get enough of them together, they cause people to go sliding into telephone poles. Everyone plays a different part in the symphony of life, but 99% of them are out of tune. No two people are not on fire. That is, unless you belong to a Greek organization, you willingly dye your hair blonde, or you shop of Abercrombie. However there are some people out there that have enough personality to choke a wide necked pro wrestler, or at least enough to make up for those that have none. I thought I would list some of these people, and point out some of their contributions to society.

Linda Perry of 4 Non Blondes - One of the few people capable of competing with Mick Jagger lip-size-wise, Linda Perry revolutionized the world when she asks “What’s Goin’ On?”. Indeed Linda, you helped to change the world. A world where white women can get corn rows in their hair, and not just black women and white male transvestites.

Tim Burton - For those of us that don’t have enough nightmares on our own, Tim Burton is a welcomed addition to the Hollywood scene. For years he has been creeping us out with Edward Scissorhands, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Batman Returns, and the anticipated upcoming remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Since most filmmakers that go on this many LSD trips never make it big, I salute Mr. Burton for making where he is today.

Dr. Kevorkian - Who wants a lot of depressed people roaming around depressing other people all the time? Sure ‘Jimmy Eat World’ and ‘Saves the Day’ make good music, but if people want to die, they should be given that opportunity. Dr. Kevorkian was able to circumvent things such as laws and help people in need that had no one else to which to turn. For now though, until that euthanasia bill gets passed, or he gets back out of jail, we are on our own.

Carrot Top - The funny thing is that Carrot Top does prop humor very well. The weird part is that what most people see him doing is shitty telephone commercials. Either way, I have to respect someone with his ability to perform whether or not people like it, and his ability to have so much hair. I think the reason he got so ripped lately is that he need to defend himself from the people that see his commercials.

Olsen Twins - Mary Kate and Ashley were able to change the ideals of millions. Before the Olson Twins most 8 yr. old girls didn’t care about how they looked, and most certainly didn’t care about what they ate. Then the Olsen Twins came along and said, ‘You are never too young to gain an unhealthy eating disorder.’ If you ever have free time, go onto the Anorexia/Bulimia Blogring on Xanga or Blogspot and count the ratio of Olsen Twins pictures to everyone else. These girls would be big in Africa, where people could feel good about themselves for seeing some celebrities who had the same diet as them. One can only wonder how the nation will be rocked when the Olsen Twins sex tape finally gets released.